I am John Kerry . . . Redux

This version adds a few more thoughts. I wish I could say I wrote this, but a friend of mine did add the new stuff.

I am John Kerry.

I was against the first Iraq war, I am against the second Iraq war, but I voted for it. Now I'm against it but I was for it. I support the UN. I'm against terrorism and against the Iraq war. But I voted for the Iraq war. So, I voted against the first war and supported the second war, wait...

Under Clinton, Saddam was a threat. Under both Bush presidents, Saddam was not a threat.

The spread of nuclear weapons is a dire threat and I will act to protect us. Saddam almost had a nuclear weapon ready in the early 1990s, but that was not threatening enough to support DESERT STORM.

Saddam's ability to produce chemical and biological weapons under Clinton? Dangerous. In 1990-91, I opposed DESERT STORM despite Saddam's ever growing chemical and biological threat.

I would have strengthened UN sanctions on Iraq. The French pressed to have UN sanctions eased or lifted. UN leaders opposed stronger sanctions. I am against stronger sanctions. No wait....

I would have handled Saddam by forming an international Coalition against him, though I didn't support the 42-nation Coalition assembled by President Bush in 1990-91, when I voted against our troops and DESERT STORM. I support UN decisions, except dozens of UN resolutions against Iraq decided in 1990, 1991, and 2002.

In 2003, President Bush failed to get the UN involved in Iraq, though I am against the terrorists who blew up the UN headquarters in Iraq last year. How that UN headquarters got into Iraq is unclear, but certainly Bush kept the UN out of Iraq. I support the UN. The UN decided to leave Iraq. The UN should be in charge of Iraq. I will stay in Iraq to finish the job. I will leave Iraq under UN leadership.

I went to Vietnam. But I was against Vietnam. I testified against fellow US troops in Vietnam, threw my medals away and led others to do the same. But I am a war hero. Against the war.

I stated I threw my medals away then I threw my ribbons away. I then revealed that I threw my ribbons away but not my medals, then lately I stated that I threw someone else's medals away and never threw anything of mine away.

I believe Ribbons and medals aren't the same thing. Medals come with ribbons, so now I believe that ribbons and medals are the same thing besides the fact that ribbons are cloth and medals are metal.

I wrote a book that pictured the US flag upside-down on its cover. But now I fly and campaign in a plane with a large flag right-side up on it. But sometimes, we fly upside-down for fun.

Yasser Arafat is a hero and a statesman. The Israelis shouldn't kill Palestinian terrorists, but they should stop terrorism. Yasser Arafat is a terrorist supporter. I support Mideast peace.

Back to Iraq. George Bush's "go it alone" foreign policy is dangerous. The 30+ nation Coalition Bush brought into Iraq is coerced and unwilling, but not actually there because we are in fact alone.

Foreign leaders want me elected, except perhaps those I insult for supporting us in Iraq. We are alone, well without Spanish troops in Iraq at least. I will never give in to terrorists. Spain did the right thing, leaving that phony Bush Coalition in Iraq. I will fight terrorists.

For Iraq, where we are alone, I would turn to NATO. Since we already have thousands of NATO troops with us in Iraq, this should be easy for NATO. Those additional NATO troops for Iraq will have to come from Afghanistan and Haiti, for example, where Bush is also going it alone.

Fighting Saddam was not part of the war on terror. I opposed Saddam's funding suicide bombers against Israel. Bill Clinton knew Saddam was behind anti-US terrorist plots. Also, Bill Clinton knew Saddam sheltered terrorists who killed US citizens in the 1970s and 1980s. George Bush knew it too, so he misled us into war. Bill Clinton will campaign for me.

Saddam's agents killed UN workers and journalists in Iraq. Truck bombs and assassinations. The Iraq war had nothing to do with terror threats. I support the UN.

How dare someone question my patriotism. George Bush is a liar and has weakened America. Saddam said he had no WMD and was no threat. I say Iraq had no WMD and was no threat. I will do anything to defend America; except for US pilots enforcing UN-approved no-fly zones over Iraq. Though firing on our aircraft daily over Iraq, Saddam's forces never threatened this country. Reporting for duty.

I am for the common man, unlike Bush. I am against the rich. But my family is worth 700 million dollars has a jet and many SUVs. I am the common man.

I am against sending jobs overseas. My wife is a Heinz heir. Heinz has most factories offshore. I am against rewarding companies for exporting jobs as long as it is not Heinz.

I own $1 million in Wal-Mart stock. I believe Wal-Mart is evil by driving small business owners out of town. I am a capitalist and I own part of Wal-Mart but I am a good guy for small corporate America.

I own SUVs when I talk to my followers in Detroit, MI. Teresa owns SUVs, I don't, when I talk to tree hugging followers. I have a campaign jet that gets 1/3 mpg, which is great fuel efficiency.

I am against making military service an issue in presidential elections. I defended a draft dodger (Clinton) and stated that all serve in their own capacity whether they draft dodge or not. Did I mention, I served in Vietnam and am a hero? Are you questioning my patriotism? I served in Vietnam. My opponent didn't. I have three purple hearts! I am a hero. I am qualified to run this country since I served.

I spent Christmas of 1968 in Cambodia, being shot at by the drunken South Vietnamese and the Khmer Rouge, while president Nixon was lying to the country and saying that there were no troops in Cambodia. What's that you say, Nixon wasn't president in 1968, well it must have been some other president then. Who was that president with the phony silver star, it was probably him.

Are you sure the Khmer Rouge were not active until 1970? Well I guess I must not have been there then. That's right, I was actually in my basecamp in Vietnam at least 55 miles from the Cambodian border and I spent the evening writing in my journal about being in Cambodia. I got confused after I said it so many times between 1968 and 1986.

I am a real hero though. Just spend three minutes with the people who served with me and they will tell you. No, not those 200 plus veterans who served with me and say I lied, and not all those veterans that signed affidavits that say I am a phony, I mean just these 8 people that travel around with me (my band of brothers).

I'm against gay marriage but for gay unions. I support gays but think the San Francisco mayor is wrong. I support gay marriages. No, wait, gay unions.

I'm Catholic. Wait, I'm Jewish. My dad was Jewish. But I was raised Catholic. What am I? I don't want to confuse people.

I am for abortions, but wait, I'm Catholic, and Catholics are pro-life. But I might consider putting pro-life judges in office, but I'm not sure. I do know I voted for a pro-life judge, but I stated that it was a mistake.

I am John Kerry. I want to be your President.